Just talking to you

 Just me talking to you

I don't have a prepared post today. And no special words of wisdom. I just wanted to share my heart with all of you.

Single parenting is a tough job and it sucks that so many of us have to do it alone  with out the help of the partner that helped create our little persons.  I have raised all three of mine with virtually no help from their fathers.

But I set goals for what I wanted my kids to be when they grew up.  And with my girls, who are 18 and 19 I succeeded. My son is 12 and still a work in progress.

We've had terrible times when I had to put my ex husband in jail, trying  times when my oldest went to juvie, and times when all we could do was hold on to Jesus because nothing made sense.

We were all diagnosed with PTSD and depression. Made for some great days :) My oldest daughter and I are both bi polar and my younger daughter has aspergers. My son has Oppositional defiance disorder.  There was never a dull moment at our house. and rarely a quiet one either.

I tell you all this just to say, if I can get through all of that, you can get through your storm. Whatever it is. Jesus is there, right beside you. Longing to hold you close and pick you you and set you in his lap.

Or drop me an email and I'll listen.  I can be found at Facebook,com/brendagans101.

We also had great times going to concerts, having pillow fights, and family dinners around the table. Oh and taco night picnics on the living room floor were the girls favorite when they were little. Game nights were always fun and video championships were good for a laugh. Unless it was pinball and then it was a serious matter.

Be blessed my friends and know that God is always for you!!

Longing

          

                          Longing

"For he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things"  Psalms  107:9

I had so many longings. For so long I prayed for my family to be reunited.  And now the divorce was final.  I still longed for my now ex to come to repentance and true saving knowledge.  I longed for my children to be happy, whole and healed.  For them to move past the divorce.   I longed for Sam to be released from his anger.   But, mostly, I longed for more of the Lord. 

I long for more intimacy with the Lord.  I am hungry for more time with the Lord. Scattered minutes here and there, caught in short snatches of time.  I am hungry for the word and time spent with you in prayer.  The word promises that you will draw near to us as we draw near to you.  I long for that.

Father,

Help me to find time as a single mom to do this.  Because doing this, is all that will heal my broken heart and home.

Amen

Where are your idols?

I'm borrowing a post from  my scripture blog because I think it is relevent for where we are going on our journey as single parents:

“Son of man, these leaders have set up idols^[a] in their hearts. They have embraced things that will make them fall into sin. Why should I listen to their requests?     Ezekiel 14:3

The Israelites had idols galore.  And they took them into their hearts, the place reserved for God.  Then they fell into deep sin because of these idols. Temple prostitution, child sacrifice, false prophets.  They were allowing demons to dictate how they worshiped so why should God listen to them?  Why should God answer any of their requests?  By this time majority of them were already living were already living in exile, but they still hadn’t turned their hearts back to God.   Why would He do anything for an adulterous people?  To a people who couldn’t be loyal to Him and Him alone?  Simple.   At that point He couldn’t.

What are your idols?  Do you know? Have you asked God recently?  Recently,  God smashed all mine to pieces when my computer broke.  And I had pneumonia at the same time.  I didn’t even realize how much time I was spending on the internet.  Facebook, Pinterest, many different doll sites, my own website, they all took my time.  God smashed them all when I lost my computer.  After I lost them, I spent hours with God.   I ended up reading my bible cover to cover in 3 weeks.  I had no computer and no TV while I was sick, and the only book I had a desire to read was my bible.  I have never been as close to the Lord as I am today.  Or as content, because I know He loves me and he is going to take care of everything for me.  I feel  His love in everything I do, I see His hand in everything that comes my way.  I pray over every decision I make.  My sense of worth is growing because I know my confidence found in God and not in me.

Father,

Please help me to keep idols out of my life.  Help me to do a check often and to remove anything that sets itself up in place of you. I want to continue to draw closer to you, to be more intimate with you.  Help me to watch myself and to do only those things  that bring you pleasure. Strengthen me for my journey.

In your precious name I pray

Amen

Resentment and feelings of guilt

I think my anger at the time came in part from feelings of being forced into an area of study I did not want to be in.  I didn't want to be a  bookkeeper or an accountant. I wanted to be a writer, an English teacher or a sports reporter.  I resented being into a position where I felt I had no choices.  And everyone else was making them for me.
I was angry at myself for giving up on my dreams and marrying Robb
I was angry at myself for not listening to my friends, family or even God when they all told me not to marry him.
I was angry at myself for staying as long as I did.
I am angry at myself for feeling guilty for getting divorced.
These were feelings I had when my girls were little.  It took me a couple years to get past the feelings of guilt.   I  worked through my anger at being forced into a career I didn't want by my dad, and giving up on being a writer. 
I really resented my ex-husband for putting me in a position where I felt I had no choices. In anything.
I worked as a bookkeeper for 7 years before going on disability.  Since that time I have been casually writing but always enjoying Meg, Layni, and Sam.  Finally the doors are opening for me to write.
When the kids were little I had to focus on them.  They had to be taken care of and they were because I had good paying jobs.  Now I have time to minister to people with my writing. I am thankful of all the experiences I had while the kids were growing up.  I love them more for having those experiences. And we have all grown from them.

What God Can Do

In June of 1998 I was diagnosed with meningitis and spent 5 days in Valley Medical Center in Renton, Wa. They were some of the longest, most painful days of my life.  The headache was excruciation and I couldn't even open my eyes it was so bad. I was 100 miles from home and didn't see my girls once.

When I was finally released my best friend Russ gave me a ride home.  I remember it being a beautiful day, with the sun shining brightly.  Even with sunglasses on the light was too strong for me.

Meg ran to me as soon as see saw me. I picked her up despite the pain and loved her. I started to put her down but she clung to me.  I carried her into the family room where Layni was playing with the little slide.
I told Meg I had to put her down so I could see Layni.  Meg squeezed my neck and let me go.

Layni, however, wanted nothing to do with me. She cried for Grandma when I tried to pick her up.  This went on all summer.  I got sick during a time she was experiencing separation anxiety and didn't come home and she just turned to Grandma. All I could do was pray the God would bond her back to me.


I dealt with the after affect of meningitis for months.  Even now, 17 years later, I still suffer with severe migraines.  The doctor believes they are related to having had meningitis. I cried out to the Lord for healing.  I tired easily, I was sick more often, and I had a much lower threshold for stress. I was blessed to be living with my parents who helped when I had to sit and cry.

My mom was the biggest blessing at this time.  She still is a huge blessing in my life. I love her and my kids are all very close to my mom.

In October of 1998 during the weak Ian was there I was just at the bottom of my strength and reserve was empty.  I'm sure many of you have felt the same way.  To tired to do anything, but having to push through that because your the main or complete support of your kids.  Not being able to have fun with the kids because your just to tired.

I felt I couldn't go any further and I was ready to quit.  I was ready to quit being a mom, to quit being a christian, to quit life period.  I just couldn't live like this anymore. I had barely enough strength for each day.

Then, suddenly, you sent this man to bless me after I was obedient to you. Then you have a message for me through him to. and it was so set to my soul. Simply that you have a wonderful plan for my life. And a lot of times would be a struggle. Yet in the process I would have joy and victory.

From that night on I started to get better.  I still have the headaches. But joy and victory abound in my life.  I have had many, many struggles since this time.  But I give them to God.  As often as I can. And God has done so much in my children's life.

My Heavenly Husband Provided

We were having a series of meetings at church. Every night for 10 days. I was in the Adult Masters Commisson  so I was required to attend.  I would have gone anyway.  I loved when our church had a special guest . It was incredible for me to be able to hear the word from someone else and get a fresh perspective.

It was the last night Ian and Yon were there. (I don't remember there last name) They were evangelist who had grown up in South Africa.  I had very little gas and very little money. At the time I drove a Geo Metro and gas was cheaper.  So the $5 in my pocket would get me 2 days gas.

The girls and I ate dinner and headed of to church.  We sang songs along with the christian station and laughed with each other when someone made a mistake.  We pulled into church 5 minutes early, late for me, and took the kids to class, then took my seat up front.

It was an incredible service, just as the previous two nights had been.  But when the offering time came God said to put the $5 in. Are you nuts God? Was my first instinctive reaction to that prompt from the Holt Spirit  Quietly He repeated, put in your $5.  Taking a deep breath, Ok, I said. You've been  providing for me as a husband should so I will choose to trust you in this.  When it came to me, I dropped in the five and whispered a prayer for provision.

Before we left church that night, a gentleman I had seen around, but didn't know yet, pressed a bill into my hand.  "God told me you need this" was all he said. I thanked him and put it in my pocket without even looking at it.

We drove to get gas, I was expecting a $5 in return for the Five I had given in obedience.  But oh no. That is not the God I love and serve.  That was not my Heavenly Husband that night.  I was given a $20.  Which filled my tank to overflowing and got each of the girls a sundae at McDonalds that night  My husband came thru for me that night and many other times.  I was never left wanting.

My sister reading this and doubting Gods goodness and love for you.  He will never leave you wanting either.  He will always be your more than enough.

Do you have a Samuel?

One of the most influential people that I met at Destiny Christian Center (what Centralia First Assembly changed there name to) was Becky.  She was older than me, and married, and her children were grown. Or mostly grown. Erin still lived at home and was still in high school when we met I believe. But Becky had been a single mom. For a long time.
Becky had made the decision she wasn't going to remarry. Yet God had different plans for her and brought her Emert, who Meg lovingly calls Marshmallow. When I told her I had no wish to ever marry again she just smiled.
 Becky started out as my counselor at the church.  Then that program ended. But Becky continued to mentor me. She helped me when I had a problem with the kids I couldn't figure a solution to.  I can remember crying on her shoulder many times because I was so tired of doing the single mom thing, but I didn't want to get married and why didn't life make sense?
Then Becky and another dear friend of mine, Linda, started a bible study for single women.  That group had a tremendous impact on me, my single life, and my kids.  The girls would go with me only occasionally.  It was my time off from being a parent and to just be a woman. To unwind, to connect with other women, to learn more about God, and to pray for my sisters in Christ.
I think of all the people I was close to at DCC Becky knew me best. She was my Samuel. And I encourage all of you, if you don't already have a Samuel, pray for one. You need someone in your life who knows all about you, loves you with the love of God anyway, will spend time with you teaching you about God, and praying with you.
I am eternally grateful  for my Samuel.  Miss Becky you are awesome.