Longing

          

                          Longing

"For he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things"  Psalms  107:9

I had so many longings. For so long I prayed for my family to be reunited.  And now the divorce was final.  I still longed for my now ex to come to repentance and true saving knowledge.  I longed for my children to be happy, whole and healed.  For them to move past the divorce.   I longed for Sam to be released from his anger.   But, mostly, I longed for more of the Lord. 

I long for more intimacy with the Lord.  I am hungry for more time with the Lord. Scattered minutes here and there, caught in short snatches of time.  I am hungry for the word and time spent with you in prayer.  The word promises that you will draw near to us as we draw near to you.  I long for that.

Father,

Help me to find time as a single mom to do this.  Because doing this, is all that will heal my broken heart and home.

Amen

Where are your idols?

I'm borrowing a post from  my scripture blog because I think it is relevent for where we are going on our journey as single parents:

“Son of man, these leaders have set up idols^[a] in their hearts. They have embraced things that will make them fall into sin. Why should I listen to their requests?     Ezekiel 14:3

The Israelites had idols galore.  And they took them into their hearts, the place reserved for God.  Then they fell into deep sin because of these idols. Temple prostitution, child sacrifice, false prophets.  They were allowing demons to dictate how they worshiped so why should God listen to them?  Why should God answer any of their requests?  By this time majority of them were already living were already living in exile, but they still hadn’t turned their hearts back to God.   Why would He do anything for an adulterous people?  To a people who couldn’t be loyal to Him and Him alone?  Simple.   At that point He couldn’t.

What are your idols?  Do you know? Have you asked God recently?  Recently,  God smashed all mine to pieces when my computer broke.  And I had pneumonia at the same time.  I didn’t even realize how much time I was spending on the internet.  Facebook, Pinterest, many different doll sites, my own website, they all took my time.  God smashed them all when I lost my computer.  After I lost them, I spent hours with God.   I ended up reading my bible cover to cover in 3 weeks.  I had no computer and no TV while I was sick, and the only book I had a desire to read was my bible.  I have never been as close to the Lord as I am today.  Or as content, because I know He loves me and he is going to take care of everything for me.  I feel  His love in everything I do, I see His hand in everything that comes my way.  I pray over every decision I make.  My sense of worth is growing because I know my confidence found in God and not in me.

Father,

Please help me to keep idols out of my life.  Help me to do a check often and to remove anything that sets itself up in place of you. I want to continue to draw closer to you, to be more intimate with you.  Help me to watch myself and to do only those things  that bring you pleasure. Strengthen me for my journey.

In your precious name I pray

Amen

Resentment and feelings of guilt

I think my anger at the time came in part from feelings of being forced into an area of study I did not want to be in.  I didn't want to be a  bookkeeper or an accountant. I wanted to be a writer, an English teacher or a sports reporter.  I resented being into a position where I felt I had no choices.  And everyone else was making them for me.
I was angry at myself for giving up on my dreams and marrying Robb
I was angry at myself for not listening to my friends, family or even God when they all told me not to marry him.
I was angry at myself for staying as long as I did.
I am angry at myself for feeling guilty for getting divorced.
These were feelings I had when my girls were little.  It took me a couple years to get past the feelings of guilt.   I  worked through my anger at being forced into a career I didn't want by my dad, and giving up on being a writer. 
I really resented my ex-husband for putting me in a position where I felt I had no choices. In anything.
I worked as a bookkeeper for 7 years before going on disability.  Since that time I have been casually writing but always enjoying Meg, Layni, and Sam.  Finally the doors are opening for me to write.
When the kids were little I had to focus on them.  They had to be taken care of and they were because I had good paying jobs.  Now I have time to minister to people with my writing. I am thankful of all the experiences I had while the kids were growing up.  I love them more for having those experiences. And we have all grown from them.

What God Can Do

In June of 1998 I was diagnosed with meningitis and spent 5 days in Valley Medical Center in Renton, Wa. They were some of the longest, most painful days of my life.  The headache was excruciation and I couldn't even open my eyes it was so bad. I was 100 miles from home and didn't see my girls once.

When I was finally released my best friend Russ gave me a ride home.  I remember it being a beautiful day, with the sun shining brightly.  Even with sunglasses on the light was too strong for me.

Meg ran to me as soon as see saw me. I picked her up despite the pain and loved her. I started to put her down but she clung to me.  I carried her into the family room where Layni was playing with the little slide.
I told Meg I had to put her down so I could see Layni.  Meg squeezed my neck and let me go.

Layni, however, wanted nothing to do with me. She cried for Grandma when I tried to pick her up.  This went on all summer.  I got sick during a time she was experiencing separation anxiety and didn't come home and she just turned to Grandma. All I could do was pray the God would bond her back to me.


I dealt with the after affect of meningitis for months.  Even now, 17 years later, I still suffer with severe migraines.  The doctor believes they are related to having had meningitis. I cried out to the Lord for healing.  I tired easily, I was sick more often, and I had a much lower threshold for stress. I was blessed to be living with my parents who helped when I had to sit and cry.

My mom was the biggest blessing at this time.  She still is a huge blessing in my life. I love her and my kids are all very close to my mom.

In October of 1998 during the weak Ian was there I was just at the bottom of my strength and reserve was empty.  I'm sure many of you have felt the same way.  To tired to do anything, but having to push through that because your the main or complete support of your kids.  Not being able to have fun with the kids because your just to tired.

I felt I couldn't go any further and I was ready to quit.  I was ready to quit being a mom, to quit being a christian, to quit life period.  I just couldn't live like this anymore. I had barely enough strength for each day.

Then, suddenly, you sent this man to bless me after I was obedient to you. Then you have a message for me through him to. and it was so set to my soul. Simply that you have a wonderful plan for my life. And a lot of times would be a struggle. Yet in the process I would have joy and victory.

From that night on I started to get better.  I still have the headaches. But joy and victory abound in my life.  I have had many, many struggles since this time.  But I give them to God.  As often as I can. And God has done so much in my children's life.

My Heavenly Husband Provided

We were having a series of meetings at church. Every night for 10 days. I was in the Adult Masters Commisson  so I was required to attend.  I would have gone anyway.  I loved when our church had a special guest . It was incredible for me to be able to hear the word from someone else and get a fresh perspective.

It was the last night Ian and Yon were there. (I don't remember there last name) They were evangelist who had grown up in South Africa.  I had very little gas and very little money. At the time I drove a Geo Metro and gas was cheaper.  So the $5 in my pocket would get me 2 days gas.

The girls and I ate dinner and headed of to church.  We sang songs along with the christian station and laughed with each other when someone made a mistake.  We pulled into church 5 minutes early, late for me, and took the kids to class, then took my seat up front.

It was an incredible service, just as the previous two nights had been.  But when the offering time came God said to put the $5 in. Are you nuts God? Was my first instinctive reaction to that prompt from the Holt Spirit  Quietly He repeated, put in your $5.  Taking a deep breath, Ok, I said. You've been  providing for me as a husband should so I will choose to trust you in this.  When it came to me, I dropped in the five and whispered a prayer for provision.

Before we left church that night, a gentleman I had seen around, but didn't know yet, pressed a bill into my hand.  "God told me you need this" was all he said. I thanked him and put it in my pocket without even looking at it.

We drove to get gas, I was expecting a $5 in return for the Five I had given in obedience.  But oh no. That is not the God I love and serve.  That was not my Heavenly Husband that night.  I was given a $20.  Which filled my tank to overflowing and got each of the girls a sundae at McDonalds that night  My husband came thru for me that night and many other times.  I was never left wanting.

My sister reading this and doubting Gods goodness and love for you.  He will never leave you wanting either.  He will always be your more than enough.

Do you have a Samuel?

One of the most influential people that I met at Destiny Christian Center (what Centralia First Assembly changed there name to) was Becky.  She was older than me, and married, and her children were grown. Or mostly grown. Erin still lived at home and was still in high school when we met I believe. But Becky had been a single mom. For a long time.
Becky had made the decision she wasn't going to remarry. Yet God had different plans for her and brought her Emert, who Meg lovingly calls Marshmallow. When I told her I had no wish to ever marry again she just smiled.
 Becky started out as my counselor at the church.  Then that program ended. But Becky continued to mentor me. She helped me when I had a problem with the kids I couldn't figure a solution to.  I can remember crying on her shoulder many times because I was so tired of doing the single mom thing, but I didn't want to get married and why didn't life make sense?
Then Becky and another dear friend of mine, Linda, started a bible study for single women.  That group had a tremendous impact on me, my single life, and my kids.  The girls would go with me only occasionally.  It was my time off from being a parent and to just be a woman. To unwind, to connect with other women, to learn more about God, and to pray for my sisters in Christ.
I think of all the people I was close to at DCC Becky knew me best. She was my Samuel. And I encourage all of you, if you don't already have a Samuel, pray for one. You need someone in your life who knows all about you, loves you with the love of God anyway, will spend time with you teaching you about God, and praying with you.
I am eternally grateful  for my Samuel.  Miss Becky you are awesome.

School Days

 Layni was 3 months old  to when I went back to school to get my bookkeeping certificate. I hated leaving her even if it was with my mom.  I was in school about two week before they started in daycare.  Maeghan loved it and loved having other kids to play with.
Daycare was a very difficult choice for me.  I didn't want my kids with strangers all day. But my  mom was older and didn't need the burden of the children all day. And I had no friends in the area who could watch them. So daycare was the only option, but I wasn't happy about it.
Shortly after starting school I got a part time job which took me away from the kids even longer in the day. The job was easy, and didn't require a lot of mental thought.  My schedule was crazy. I had school in the morning, work in the afternoon, pick up the girls at 5, home and then dinner. I got to spend about an hour with them before it was time to start our bedtime routine.  After the girls were down, it was homework time for me.
Our weekends were sacred since I only had them every other weekend. We would go to the park, we would go spend time with friends, we would hang out around the house and I would give Meg makeovers.
It was during this time that I met Margret. She attended a different church and I was having difficulties with gossip about me at mine. Certain people, who didn't know our story, didn't approve of my leaving my husband were speaking about it behind my back.
So I asked Margret  a lot of questions about her church before I finally decided to go.  I tried other churches first but I knew the minute I stepped in to Centralia First Assembly God it was my church home. I was there 7 years and made wonderful friends and grew in God in wonderful ways and met some wonderful people who mentored me on my walk as a single mom. They had been there and walked with me through it.
 Margrets  gentle counsel saved my soul and I am forever grateful.

How am I going to do this?

I was a very new Christian and hadn't grown a lot in the church I was in.  I did all I knew to do. I was reading my bible, going to church on Sunday, praying, and talking to my mom about things. But I had no idea how to do this single parenting thing.  And neither did she. She had never been a single mom.  She has been married to my Dad for 59 years now.
I also had my best friend Russ. "Unka Russ" Meg called him.  He'd been my best friend for 5 years, the best I could ask for. Didn't matter what time it was, I could call him and he would answer.  He was always there for me. But still, even he didn't know what I was going through either because he had never been married. And he didn't have kids.
So I started crying out to God. Daily, sometimes hourly, persistently. Asking, seeking and knocking, just like the bible said.  I believed the bible was the living, breathing Word of God and everything it said was true. So I put it into practice. I cried out for a friend who knew what I was going through because they were going through it too.  Someone who knew my sorrow, my struggles, my pain as a mom and my secret longings that went with being a woman. And for Him to give me strength to do the job he had called me to do.
It wasn't until DeLayne (from here on out referred to as Layni) was 7 months that God brought us to a different church. It was here I met so many people who poured into me.It was here I began to grow into the woman God wanted me to become. The first woman I met, who was part of the welcoming team, was Tamara.  Turns out, she had been a single mom and knew my struggles.  She offered to get coffee later in the week. I jumped on it.
This would be the beginning of 7 of the most beautiful, wonderful, painful, stretching years I would ever know.  And God was behind every moment. Leading and guiding us all the way.

The moment I became a single parent for the first time

My first husband was a very involved Dad with our oldest daughter so I never had to nag at him to help with her like some wives do. He was always happy to.  It was getting him to be nice to me that was the problem.  He didn't understand why I was ready to go to bed at 7:00 every night. I had an infant and was pregnant and I kept the house all by myself.  I was ready for bed at 5:00 but stretched it out to keep him happy.
We fought constantly. Over everything.  From how I decorated the girls' room to when I called my mom. Sometimes the fights would get violent and he would throw things or hit the wall.  It always scared me when he got out of control like this.  I didn't know what he was going to do.
Then, one night we got into a huge fight and he threatened to take Maeghan and go to his moms in Richland, WA, 4 hours away. He was serious.  I started up the stairs to protect my baby.  I was six months pregnant by this this time. 
He grabbed me from behind and set me aside so he could get ahead of me on the stairs.  I grabbed him to stop him. He turned around and gave me a shove. I fell into the wall, breaking a finger, then landed hard on my side on the stairs. I just laid there, silent tears falling from my eyes as I cried out to God asking Him to protect my baby, and to protect Maeghan.
He came out of  Maeghan's room without her and left the apartment without saying a word to me.  I stayed where I was for another 15 minutes then went upstairs, checked on Maeghan and went to bed.  He never came to bed that night.
I went to church the next morning. Then out to my parents home.  I shared with them what happened and got a resounding "come home" from both of them. And that is what we did. We went home and packed and Monday morning we went to my parents to live. And I had to figure out how I was going to be a single mom to 2 little girls.

January 6, 2015

My first blog post of the new year.  On a subject I have never posted about before. But I know so much about.  Single parenting.  And the only way I know how to do single parenting is with God at my side.  Honestly, I can't imagine doing it without Him. 
For most I my children's lives I have been a single parent.  Maeghan is 18, DeLayne is 17 and Samuel is 11.  I also have a grandson Joey who is 1.  I have been married 3 times for a total of 6 years during the girls' life and 3 years of Sam's.
I became a Christian when Meg was 4 months old.  In my sister's church in Phoenix, AZ. I grew up in a Christian environment, but i didn't I didn't understand until that moment what being a Christian meant until that moment.  My life didn't change overnight, my struggles were still there, but I had someone to walk them with me.
2 Months later I found I was pregnant with my second daughter and I felt my world crashing down.  I felt trapped. But God carried me through until I could pull myself out and leave the abusive situation I was in.  He walked with me every step of the way, through all the fall out of the situation and held me in His arms many nights.
He was truly a 'father to the fatherless and a defender of widows' (psalms 68:5) My girls clung to him, giving him their tiny hearts and calling Him their Daddy in heaven. And I learned how to cling to him as my husband during those next 4 years. 
My hope with this blog is to help you do the same by using examples from my own life and scripture from the bible.